You sit exhausted on the couch. All day you’ve been primarily focused on child care, family life, and the endless list of tasks that keep everything running. Your physical health and mental health have taken a back seat, and you just want ten minutes of peace. Ten. Tiny. Minutes.
But your child has other plans. They’re jumping on the sofa, singing loudly, wanting to play. “Mom, look!” “Dad, come!” Anger rises in you like a hot wave. Why can’t they understand that you have your own needs too?
Many parents around the world—across different ages, family situations, and even in other countries—know this exact feeling. Research suggests that such behavior in early childhood is completely normal, but that doesn’t make it easier in the moment.
Does this sound familiar? Perhaps you’ve experienced moments like these:
Your child ignores the nutritious food you’ve lovingly prepared.
Older children resist physical affection when you want to hug them.
Your child refuses to leave the playground although you need to get home.
The pain runs deep. The disappointment burns in your chest. Your shoulders tense, your jaw clenches. In your head, it hammers: “Why does nobody see what I need? Am I worth nothing? Must I always just function?”
Research shows that in these moments, it’s not just about the situation—it’s about deeper emotional needs:
When your child rejects food, you may be yearning for recognition.
When your teenager closes off, you may be craving closeness.
When your child pushes boundaries, you may be seeking respect.
How Your Own Childhood Shapes Your Parenting Skills
Longitudinal research confirms that patterns in personal relationships often originate in our own early childhood. Maybe you learned: My needs don’t matter. Or: Others must give me what I need.
Today, without realizing it, many parents carry those beliefs into their own life as mothers or fathers. We may expect our children to meet our emotional needs, even though they have their own developmental milestones to navigate.
As Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication reminds us: Parents and children are each responsible for their own needs.
Children need the freedom to take care of themselves, and parents need to learn how to meet their own needs without placing that weight on their kids.
A Simple Self-Care Practice for a Better Parent-Child Relationship
The first step to breaking this cycle is simple but powerful. When anger, disappointment, or helplessness arise:
Pause and stay standing in the storm.
Place a loving hand on your heart, feel your breath, and listen to your feelings.
Ask yourself: Which child needs care right now—the one in front of me, or the one inside me?
You don’t need a perfect spa day to take care of your own needs in that moment. If your child keeps calling for you while you’re on the couch, try this: Invite them to sit beside you for two minutes, tell them, “Mom needs a quiet moment to fill her energy tank,” and set a visual timer they can watch count down. While it runs, close your eyes, place a hand on your heart, and take slow breaths. This short ritual signals to your body that you matter too—and teaches your child, by example, that self care is a normal and respected part of family life.
This kind of conscious self care improves emotional regulation, physical health, and even self esteem. You become aware of your own physical needs and emotional needs in real time.
What happens then is magical. You suddenly feel: I am the adult now. Your body relaxes, your breath deepens, and compassion flows through you. You realize you have the ability to take care of yourself—the same way you take care of your real child.
Why Meeting Your Own Needs Benefits the Whole Family
Imagine what would happen if you cared for your inner child the same way you care for your real one. Your child wouldn’t have to carry that emotional burden. Family members would feel more supported. Your support system would strengthen.
Research suggests that parents who prioritize self care not only improve their own life but also model healthy boundaries, social skills, and respect for others—skills children need for school, friendships, and relationships.
In fact, a recent study comparing two families—one in which the parents practiced self care and one in which they didn’t—found that the self care group reported better physical health, stronger relationships, and fewer conduct problems in their kids.
Taking the Next Step Toward Balance in Family Life
At RE:PA(i)RENT, we help parents become aware of their patterns, build better parenting skills, and create a healthier balance between family life and their own needs.
Because when parents feel supported, rested, and valued, they can do the best job possible—not from exhaustion, but from a place of love, strength, and presence.
Tip for further reading: "When Saying No Feels Wrong" - A gentle guide to setting loving boundaries without shame, and why it's essential for both parents and children to maintain healthy relationships while honoring each other's needs.